2011

I find myself questioning whether or not its a good thing to be happy that 2011 is about to end.  I had said numerous times already that I cannot wait till this year ends.  After I say it I feel bad.  2011 was a rough year.  It was a year that was so full of hopes and dreams and beginnings literally. It was the first day that we were able to take our precious Z home.  I remember telling myself that 2011 was going to be the best year yet!  I was so excited at all the possibilities of 2011, all the possibilities with Z and Chris.  And for the most part, the first 3 months, it was.  It was the best year ever.  All that changed in mid March when things started to go south for Zayana.

Is it wrong to be happy to say goodbye to what can be said to be my best and worst year in one?  Chris has told me that it is OK.  I want to believe her, I'm just having trouble coming to grips with it.  I feel like being happy for the end of 2011 will mean that I am dishonoring my little Z's memory.  I know this isn't true, buts I just cant help but feel this way.

As I look forward to 2012 I cant help and hope that it will be better than 2011 in most aspects.  2012 will bring to us our son.  We are thankful for that.  It will also bring another year without our precious Z.

I think the important part of 2012 for me is that it will bring about what can be called a fresh start.  Or at least I hope I feel that way when the clock strikes midnight.  It will symbolize a new beginning.  I will be glad when 2012 starts, its just how much will I long for the beginning of 2011.