2011

I find myself questioning whether or not its a good thing to be happy that 2011 is about to end.  I had said numerous times already that I cannot wait till this year ends.  After I say it I feel bad.  2011 was a rough year.  It was a year that was so full of hopes and dreams and beginnings literally. It was the first day that we were able to take our precious Z home.  I remember telling myself that 2011 was going to be the best year yet!  I was so excited at all the possibilities of 2011, all the possibilities with Z and Chris.  And for the most part, the first 3 months, it was.  It was the best year ever.  All that changed in mid March when things started to go south for Zayana.

Is it wrong to be happy to say goodbye to what can be said to be my best and worst year in one?  Chris has told me that it is OK.  I want to believe her, I'm just having trouble coming to grips with it.  I feel like being happy for the end of 2011 will mean that I am dishonoring my little Z's memory.  I know this isn't true, buts I just cant help but feel this way.

As I look forward to 2012 I cant help and hope that it will be better than 2011 in most aspects.  2012 will bring to us our son.  We are thankful for that.  It will also bring another year without our precious Z.

I think the important part of 2012 for me is that it will bring about what can be called a fresh start.  Or at least I hope I feel that way when the clock strikes midnight.  It will symbolize a new beginning.  I will be glad when 2012 starts, its just how much will I long for the beginning of 2011.

Negative Comments

Sometime I dont think people realize the gravity of what they say or print. At times its hard to understand why. Do they mean to be hurtful, do they disagree with the way we handled things, do they hate us? The reason I ask this is because appearently we struck a nerve with someone. As most of you my know Chris and I memorialized our daughter by giving back on her birthday. A local news station decided to run a story on us, aired it, and put it on thier website. People have been commenting with most of it positive. One person decided that was not the route they were going to take. Below I have copied the text of thier comment.

May God bless people who suffer tragedies everyday and don't feel the need to advertise their good deeds. Maybe KGW should do a story on people who bring sick children, by choice, into this world with no emotional or financial means to support them. Who paid for their sick child's care? Who paid for her funeral? Wake up people! These parents are not victims!!!!! The only victim in this story is their poor baby who had to suffer everyday she was alive because of her selfish parents.

applespice said  on December 25, 2011 at 11:59AM

I have tried to brush it off thinking, "OK, people are entitled to their own opinions".  For the most part I was not giving it to much attention when my wife brought it up to me on Christmas morning.  I was busy with one of the video projects I had decided to try to complete so that kept me occupied.  Then I realized how quiet it had gotten in our apartment and I looked at my wife.  I could see the hurt in her eyes.  I asked her if she was alright.  She said she was but I could tell it was eating at her from within.  I asked her again a little later.  She said she was but admitted to being hurt by the comment.  That is when I started to feel it too.  The hurt that someone could talk ill of such a good thing we tried to do in the name of our daughter.  The hurt that this persons comment had done to my wife.  I dont care if people talk bad about me, but when they hurt my wife, my child, or any of my family members that is just unacceptable.

As the day progressed it stung more and more.  Why would they say that?  What have we ever done to them? Why are they so heartless?  Its hard to say why someone would say these things.  In order for me to try to understand why and be sure to myself that what we did was right I had to break down the comments sentence by sentence.  Here are my conclusions:

May God bless people who suffer tragedies everyday and don't feel the need to advertise their good deeds. 
I don't recall asking KGW to come and do a story on us.  They came to us and asked if they could.  We agreed in order to get the story of our daughter out and to raise more awareness for OI.  We never looked for any praise for donating gifts.

Maybe KGW should do a story on people who bring sick children, by choice, into this world with no emotional or financial means to support them.
Yes it was our choice to bring Zayana into this world knowing her possible condition.  If we had to we would make the same choice.  Never in a million years did we ever think about terminating the pregnancy.  We decided to leave it in Gods hands and we know the Lord would not give us anything more than He thought we could handle.
Were we financially able to support her?  We believe we were.  We both work and would have sacrificed in order to make it work.
Were we emotionally able?  It was trying at times but again the Lord gave us what we could handle.  Again if it was required we made sacrifices and worked together to make it a loving home for our precious Z.

Who paid for their sick child's care? Who paid for her funeral?
I dont like that they called my Z "sick" first of all.  Yes she did have a condition but she was not "sick"! WE paid for her care.  WE paid for her funeral.  We did have help in the form of donations and manpower but we overall paid for everything.  Beside I think that WE paid emotionally for her care and for her funeral.

Wake up people! These parents are not victims!!!!! 
I dont ever recall ever playing the victim in all of this.  Chis and I would never call ourselves victims.  I really dont know why this person thinks we are wanting to be victims.

The only victim in this story is their poor baby who had to suffer everyday she was alive because of her selfish parents.
This one really gets me.  Dont you EVER tell me that my daughter suffered.  YOU do not know her and you do not know us.  HOW DARE YOU say that my daughter suffered!  Did you not see the picture, the videos?  How can you say that see suffered!  She is the most loving, caring person I know and she taught me a lot about love.  You can stand to learn a bit about love and perseverance from my daughter.  As for selfish parents, we may be. If it was selfish to want to be a parent, then we are selfish, if its selfish to love such a wonderful child, then yes we are selfish, if its selfish to want to spread her love and keep her legacy and memory alive, then YES we are selfish.  I am selfish for loving my daughter Zayana Grace Mendez!

I think I have said my peace on this issue.  I know there was no need to defend ourselves but I felt that I had to say something.  I really do hope that this person was just having a bad day and did not mean what they said.  I really do.  I want to believe that everyone is good natured and want to see the good in everyone. I am more than willing to discuss this with this person if they ever want to. I know the likely hood of them reading my post here is slim but if you do and you want to talk about our story and our daughter I would be more than happy to.  I am always up to talk about my Z. I really do not wish any ill will on this person and hope that they come to a realization that what they said hurts.  It hurt me, it hurt my wife, my family and most of all, the memory of my daughter.  I would like to know what my have offended you in all of this but know that I do not apologize for it.  We were doing what we feel any parent would do to honor the memory of their child.

And to my beloved daughter, I will always fight for you till my dying day.  Your mom and I were your biggest advocates in the hospital and we continue to be.  I will never let anyone soil your memory or tarnish your legacy.  Daddy will always be there to protect you.  At time I feel like I failed you in this life but for what its worth I will continue to live in your memory until God decides its time to reunite us in Heaven.

Daddy misses and loves you oh so much sweetheart!

December 24th and 25th, 2010

 ------Original Message------
From: Z's Daddy
To: Date: Sunday, December 25, 2011


 On December 24th I was able to compose myself and finally remember to record some video of our Z. I remember this day specifically because she was more awake on this day than the 23rd and more responsive as you will see in the video. On this day we also had our phone consult with the geneticist. I will to my dying day remembers that conversation. This is when we were told that Zayana Grace did have Osteogensis Imperfecta and that her diagnosis was dire. We were told that the likely hood of her survival was minimal and that we probably did not have long with her, maybe a couple of days. As you can believe it was very heartbreaking. I remember one specific conversation with the doctors where I asked if we would be able to take her home. Their response was "Lets take it one day at a time." Hearing that my heart just sank. Chris and I were just devastated. We sat there and cried for what seemed like a couple of hours thinking that the miracle we just received was going to be taken away. In the midst of our heartbreak we decided to try to compose ourselves and be strong for our little girl. We wiped away the tears and walked back over to her crib. It seemed like one of the longest walk of our lives. And to hour surprise our little Z was awake and she seemed to know that we needed to be consoled, that we were the ones that needed to be picked up. I remember the look she gave us when we got to her crib. It was magical. She looked at us as to tell us, "I'm OK mom and dad, things will be fine." From then on we just knew that no matter what was said of our Z she would perceive and fight till the end. From then on we had hope. On the 24th Zayana had lots of visitors. All of them coming in with glum hopes and prepared to say their goodbyes. They left with uplifted hearts and more hope than they could imagine. This was her gift to everyone that Christmas. My dad was a big recipient of her gift. I remember just how devastated he was when I told him the news that she may not live long. I had never seen him like this before, even when his father passed away. He just could not believe that his precious granddaughter Zayana Grace was on this Earth for a limited time. He was one of the first people I brought in to see Z. In the video you can see just how happy she made him. She gave him the gift of hope. 
Thank you little Zayana Grace for giving your grandpa this gift.

 Here is Zayana Grace's second day on this Earth.  

On the 24th we also had Zayana baptized.  

After a long day, Christmas came and we were a bit tired. But we were still very thankful that our little Z was still here and this is when Chris and I started our tradition of singing "Happy Birthday" to Zayana at 12:47am of every morning she was here. We did not get it on video but here we are waiting to sing to her. 

 -- Posted By Z's Daddy to Mendez Moments at 12/25/2011 12:19:00 PM

Merry Christmas

Merry christmas Munchers, daddy and mommy miss you very much! You would
have looked so pretty in your Christmas dress. Love you mija!

--
Posted By Z's Daddy to Mendez Moments at 12/25/2011 12:46:00 AM

In Z's Memory

Date: Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 6:42 PM

Subject: [Mendez Moments] In Z's Memory

Since Z's passing Chris and I have talked about what we were going to do to memorialize our daughter.  We know that we wanted to give back as we recieved so much love, help, and inspiration throughout her short life.  We wanted to help educate and infom others about Z's life and what she was facing.  Since then we have become advocates for speaking out about Osteogensis Imperfecta (OI) in numerous ways.  We participated in Bloomsday not long after her passing and talked to everyone we could about OI.  We wore yelow t-shirts with her pictures to help raise awareness for Wishbone Day.  Chris established "From Z With Love" to help new parents with OI children learn more about the condition and let them know that they were not alone in thier struggles.  We have also become very active in Brief Encounters, a support group we attend for bereaved parents. 

And on her birthday we did our daughter the greatest honor we thought possible.  We decided to collect items for the St. Vincents NICU where she spend her first 9 days.  We colleced items from blankets to toys and donated them all to the NICU.  Chris called it "Zayana's Birthday Bash" and we celebrated her birthday in the place she was born.  It felt really good to give back on such a grand scale.  I think it helped us get through the day. 

Below is a link to the KGW website and the story they ran on us. 

http://www.kgw.com/video/featured-videos/Parents-turn-tragedy-into-holiday-charity-136168173.html

Chris and I would like to thank you everyone who donated to Zayana's Birthday Bash.  You helped to make it such a success.  Again thank you all and we look forward to Z' B-day Bash 2012! 

We love you and miss you so much Zayana Grace!!

--
Posted By Z's Daddy to Mendez Moments at 12/24/2011 06:42:00 PM

A Year in Retrospect

Date: Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 5:58 PM

Subject: [Mendez Moments] A Year in Retrospect

A year ago our daughter Zayana Grace was born.  Its hard to imagine that a year has passed since that early morning on December 23rd.  Everyday I replay that day in my head and it helps to bring me comfort in this harsh reality that she is no longer here with us.  It brings me conform because for me its like hitting the reset button and starting over.  Once I go back to the day of her birth, I have another 16 weeks to live with her.  I know that it will never bring back my daughter.  I know that I am currently just filling the void that was left in my heart when she left.  But for the rest of my life I will "reset" my mind to the 23rd of December and that faithful morning where I was able to first hear her little cry, be able to see that little swollen face of hers, and to be able to hold her once more. 

A year ago I started to take pictures and videos of Zayana in order to have them forever and show her just how much she had overcome.  Needless to say they along with my memories are all I have left of her.  A friend of mine who also lost a child once said that he counted all of the picture he had and was both amazed and saddened by the number of pictures he had.  Amazed in the number he was able to get during his all to short two month life and saddened that he was not able to take more and that he should have taken more.  I too feel the same right now.  I am so happy that I have all of these pictures and videos to look at but I wish I was able to take more or that I should have taken more.  I know there are days that I did not pick up the camera because I felt like I didn't need to take a picture.  I now second guess that decision.  I should have taken more. 

For the last year I have kept a lot of these pics and vids to myself.  They have been mainly for my wife and I to look at when we needed reminders of our precious Z.  Some family and friends have seen them but not all of them.  I know that has been somewhat selfish of me but I can't help it, she was MY little girl and these pictures were OURS.  But as time passed I decided to myself that I would not hold that all in anymore and I promised to Z that I would show everyone just how beautiful she was.  As of today and for the next 16 weeks I will be living Zayana Grace's life here on the blog.  I will post as many pictures and videos as I can.  I will show everyone Zayana Grace in all her glory.  I think this will help in my healing and in the healing of others.  I am in the process of creating a channel on YouTube and posting all of her videos there and creating slide shows of her pictures for all to see.  Zayana deserves it. Everyone else deserves it.  So from today on I will post corresponding pictures and videos from the days that she was here.  I have a couple of pics and videos for the 23rd and 24th and I will soon post them.  And every day until that faithful day in April I will post.  I love you my precious Zayana Grace!  Daddy misses you so much Munchers!




--
Posted By Z's Daddy to Mendez Moments at 12/23/2011 05:31:00 PM

A year ago

Its hard to believe that ago I was an anxious wreck as they prepped Chris for surgery. A year ago at this very minute we were talking to the doctor about what is next, what can we expect, mainly will our baby survive. I was full of hope. I was very optimistic that everything was going to be ok. That my wife would make it out of this and that my little girl would be ok.
A year ago today at this very minute I was very excited to become a father. I had never been through anything like this before. Lots of anticipation as to what was going to happpen next. Trying to be positive and take care of Chris and be the strong husband she married. Trying not to show my fear.
A year ago today at this very minute I remember being afraid. I was so afraid of the unknown of being a dad, a dad to a child with a disability, a dad to a baby that may not make. I was so scared that I was literaly shaking when I was alone. I would leave the room and I would begin to shake. I was afraid. Would I know how to take care of a baby? Would I be a good dad? Would I continue to be a good husband? Would my little girl die right there?
A year ago today at this very minute I was waiting to meet the most precious little girl in the the whole world, my daughter, Zayana Grace.